4/13/26- A Hard Lesson

Hey, there! Good morning. Or evening. Or whenever you happen to be seeing this. I wanted to take a little bit of time today to share about how my week wrapped up the other day, if that’s okay with you. This is kind of an accountability post for me, and a little bit of a testimony.

I went on a road trip for work on Thursday, down to the coast, and got back Friday. I was delivering furniture for a property that the company I work for is setting up, and it was mostly a good trip. I got to sing a lot during the 27 hours or so that I was out running around, I got to listen to some of my favorite podcasts, and I got to spend a lot of time praying. Overall, it was a good trip, though I had some mishaps and a stumble that I am not proud of.

Without getting into all the gory details of the planning and stuff, I’ll say it took some doing to get pulled together for my drive; I used my work trailer and had to spend a few hours working on removing oil stains, clearing my wall hooks, and getting all of my equipment stashed somewhere else. Then I went to grab some moving supplies. After that I popped down to the metroplex for a table and chairs- took a while at that- and then had a long stretch to get down to Georgetown to pick up a couch. The only problem was that I had a 6:00 PM deadline to get to Austin to grab a chest, and if I made the stop in Georgetown first I wouldn’t be able to get the chest. Basically, it would have wasted several hours of driving and made me stay overnight in Austin instead of letting me push straight to the coast. Needless to say, I wasn’t thrilled about that prospect, and I started to get a little anxious. I adjusted my course to accommodate and switch my destinations… and then I hit Waco traffic. Eventually- maybe around 4:45- I made it to Austin; but then, unexpectedly, it started to rain. All over the chairs in the bed of my truck. So, I tried to get to the side of the road so that I could move the chairs into my trailer- and my truck and trailer lost traction and started to whip across the lanes. Fortunately, and by the grace of God, no one was right next to me and after a few seconds I was able to straighten out- but when I opened the trailer I saw that all of my cargo had been pretty forcefully thrown sideways. Again, by the grace of God, somehow everything was okay.

This was about 5-5:15 in Austin.

I then spent the next hour trying to reach my destination, and was stressing hard the whole time because between traffic and rain it didn’t seem possible that I was going to get there anywhere near on time. I called the store multiple times, and at first it really seemed like everything was going to get derailed by traffic and a little bit of water. I was frustrated and anxious, but I started to pray- not just “oh, Lord, could you please let this work out for me,” but “Lord, my attitude about this isn’t right; I’m making too much of this. Please give me the peace to accept the outcome.”- and lo and behold, when I called the lady at their office (Miss Joni at World Interior, btw, off of Burleson) she answered the phone with a gentle and welcome “we’ve got you, Nate!” My heart was so glad, y’all. So, SO glad. I made it through the rest of the evening without too many more hitches- I had to backtrack to Georgetown to grab a couch, then turn around again to drive four and a half hours to the coast, but otherwise it was pretty straightforward from there- and I reached my destination around 1:30 AM, so I had been clocked in and/or driving for around 17-18 ish hours. I was pretty tired and pretty stressed, and I had noticed partway through the drive that I started having some old feelings and temptations wake up. I’ve mentioned before that I used to have a very real pornography addiction, and a big part of my testimony is finally being free from it. I was somewhat surprised by these feelings suddenly returning; I hadn’t been struggling with this for some time now, and it felt strange to have it coming back so suddenly. Still, I was aware of the impulses and didn’t give in, and was able to get to bed pretty cozily.

I slept around three and a half hours or so and then was back up; I grabbed some coffee with my boss, read a bit of Ephesians, and played on my switch for a little while before it was time to go unload the trailer. Around 9:50 we left to go deliver the furniture, and around 11:50 everything was out and I was getting back out on the road.

Fast forward through most of the rest of the day, I did most of the same things; a lot of singing and praying and listening to stuff and talking to my wife. I still had those nagging old habits knocking on the door, though, and it got harder and harder to ignore them as the drive went on. By the time I was about an hour and a half from home, I felt practically dazed because of all the memories and thoughts that kept flooding my mind. It was like no matter what I did, whatever I said or prayed, I couldn’t make my mind stay clear. I started to fantasize. I kept quoting scriptures in my head and trying to desperately recall the dread that I had for these things before; I thought about how wrong it was and how very badly I wanted it to stop, but I couldn’t break the train of thought. And suddenly, sharply, it stopped. I felt distraught; I felt betrayed by my own mind and body and I had been betraying my God and my wife for emotional adultery. I felt sick. And unfortunately, after a few moments, the pressure resumed. It was like I was suddenly being pressed by months and months of denied temptation. I called my wife and apologized to her profusely, and I resumed asking God for help in dealing with this. It was a joy to get home and be back in the safety of my family, and it was like the last several hours of struggling dissipated as I pulled into the driveway.

My wife and I have talked about this somewhat extensively since the other day, and have come to some conclusions that, though they may seem obvious to some of you, are now hard learned lessons for us and for me. The first one is that I have gotten complacent in my response to things that will trigger those types of behaviors in me and, even if it seems innocent (like a youtube short or a social media post) I need to become more aggressive again in avoiding things that are even tangentially going to cause a problem for me. I need to remember to hate my sin as vehemently as I used to and leave no wiggle room for it. Secondly, I need to not go on long trips without my wife if at all possible; the extra and direct accountability that comes with having her near me has been a much greater help to me in quelling my old habits than I had realized, and while it is my responsibility to turn away from evil when temptation arises, it would also be stupid of me to not acknowledge and lean on the fact that my wife is a great support to me in that pursuit. Thirdly, we determined that while it was good that I did eventually call her for support, I waited far too long and made too many excuses along the way, delaying the proper response until it was nearly too late. The appropriate response would have been to immediately call or text and make clear what the problem was so that we could work through it together. I had been praying for help all day, but I foolishly did very little in the way of actually seeking that help, and because of that I brought shame to myself and hurt my wife. Fortunately, she is a very compassionate woman, and I have a very forgiving God, so I am confident that we don’t need to repeat this awful situation any time soon (or ever.)

Like I said at the beginning of this post, this is meant to be a bit of an “accountability report” and a testimony; the accountability is the public confession of my struggles, both with anxious feelings and my own personal sin which still so readily waits at the door for a chance to slip in. The testimony is that my God is merciful beyond comprehension and, even in my stumbling, He lets me run to Him in my time of need and provides me everything I need to ultimately endure, whether it is the very practical and tangible presence of other people to help keep me honest and faithful or His own blessed peace and assurance in times of struggle and shame. This situation that could have led me to fall back into my old, self-destructive ways has instead led to me sitting here on my couch at 5:30 in the morning typing about the goodness of God, and I consider that to be a mercy. Sin is a harsh master, callous and cruel, and when we serve it we only invite shame and hurt into our lives; when we serve Yeshua, though, we are partaking in abundant life. He is not only there in the successful moments- though He is certainly glorified by those- but he is there when we stumble and fail, His blood still atoning for us even as we sin against Him, and He is glorified when we again come to repent and reject the evil that we have done. Our concerns are never too small to bring to Him, and He is faithful to provide us with a way to endure every circumstance; we just have to actually act on it and take accountability when we don’t. If we are willing to confess, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

I know this was a bit of a rambly post, but I appreciate you for reading it. I’m not proud of all of the contents, but I felt that it was good to share the failures alongside the successes.  This website is literally called Learning to Live, and learning requires lessons. Some are easier and some are harder, but they are still lessons. He is still there. I know how hard I can be on myself- and sometimes it is warranted- but my hope is that in doing this I may be able to encourage somebody else that they can also get back up when they stumble, that they don’t have to start and stop at grieving their actions but can continue to seek the Lord and walk with Him. When we sin, we damage our relationship with Him, but Jesus died for us so that we could see that relationship restored forevermore; I don’t want myself or anyone else to forget that.